


I Know the Reaper

by thetealord



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Depression, Five Stages of Grief, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Hallucinations, Harry Dies, James Dies, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, harry is eggsy's father figure, mention of decapitation, mention of violence, partner death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 12:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4263804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetealord/pseuds/thetealord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is dead, and Harry sees his ghost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know the Reaper

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics and title from Machinae Supremacy. Admittedly I took some inspiration from A Single Man here too.

_And so you keep them all alive in your head_  
_I told you I know the Reaper_  
_No light and no eternal life  
_ _I told you I know the Reaper_

* * *

 

To his surprise, Harry hadn't shed a single tear. Not since he'd received the call from Merlin. Not since he saw the red K illuminated in the back of the cab. He felt... nothing. Just... calm. Numb.

(The truth was, too much of him still believed that James was coming back, and that was a dangerous thought to hold onto).

In the dining room, they drank the red brandy. None of the other Kingsmen looked at him, except Merlin, who kept glancing at him in concern, and Arthur, who passed it off like it was nothing, and [i]that[/i] made his blood boil. He hadn't completely meant to get short with him, but he had, and in too many ways he didn't care that he had at all. James's mission was now his, and he would finish it. That was all.

As he left the dining room, turned to go down the stairs, that was when he heard the voice.

"Harry."

Harry stopped.

When he glanced to the side, he thought he could see James standing there, that stupid grin on his face, but when he turned his head, the image was gone.

"Do you blame yourself?" he thought he heard that familiar voice whisper in his ear.

Harry froze for one long moment. He wasn't sure if he'd imagined the voice or not, but it didn't matter. The answer to the question was clear enough. He huffed, and left the shop.

\----

Harry didn't allow his thoughts to drift again until he was leaning on the wall outside the police station, waiting for the boy. Most importantly, he did not allow himself to think about James. Instead, he thought about Eggsy. He remembered meeting the young man when he was only a small child, remembered giving him the very medal he'd used to call for help.

"Recruit him," said a voice in his head, although it sounded far too much like James. Harry started, looked to the side, but there was no one there. Still, he thought he'd seen James leaning against the wall beside him out of the corner of his eye, for just an instant. It was true, Eggsy had potential, he knew that, he'd looked into his history enough. He could be the next Lancelot.

Yes, Eggsy had a chance, a very good one, to get what his father should have had. And oh, Harry was certainly glad it had been James in the end, he wouldn't have fallen in love with him if things hadn't ended up that way, but still. Wouldn't it be right, for Eggsy to have that position? To become a Kingsman like his father would have wanted, and to become the new Lancelot, to take James's place (even if no one could ever really take James's place, could ever be Lancelot, his Lancelot)?

Yes... he thought as he settled back and eyed the young man as he came around the corner. Perhaps it was silly, but he felt for a moment that James was still with him, beside him, guiding him. 

Maybe he was.

\----

Harry knew, knew that he'd been... reckless when he went to confront Professor Arnold. He should have been tactful should have... been calm. But when he saw him, saw the man James had tried to rescue, the man who had indirectly caused his death, he'd lost control of his temper in those few moments, lost himself, and it cost him. He's exploded at the man, furious that this man had caused him to lose the person he cared for the most, and he paid for that recklessness. 

Between the explosion and the injuries he'd retained jumping through that window, he was barely conscious when they dragged him back to headquarters. In his dreams, he saw James. The other man sat diligently by his bedside and watched over him as days went by, not budging under Arthur's judging stare or as Merlin tended to him. He just... stayed.

In his dreams, they'd been there together, at the house on the mountain where James died. And Harry cautioned him against it because he knew what was going to happen, but he could never prevent it. Every time, he watched his horrific death, watched him fall to the floor in pieces and he couldn't scream or cry or do anything. He just stood there.

In his dreams, he thought he felt James holding his hand and he held it as tight as he possibly could and whispered, "Don't go, don't go."

And then he woke up, and he was alone.

\----

He didn't see James for a long while after that. Not in his dreams, not out of the corner of his eye, nor did he hear his voice in his head. He tried to think that was a good thing. Maybe a part of him was finally allowing himself to let go. That was surely the right thing to do, even if the last thing he ever wanted to do was let go.

Not wanting to dwell on it, he threw himself into his work, because that was all he could think to do. The mission. He had to complete James's mission. The last mission they would ever have together. The only thing he had left.

Although, there was Eggsy. Smart boy. He'd chosen well. And he tried so hard to smile for him sometimes, even just a little. Eggsy looked up to him so much, he knew that. The poor boy had never had a proper father figure, not since Lee's death, and Harry felt in many ways that he'd robbed Eggsy of that. It was the least he could do to try to give some of that back to him now, to guide him. And he was so sure, so sure that Eggsy really did have a chance at becoming the next Lancelot. He would never, could never, ever replace James but... he deserved it, and Harry was determined to see him become a proper Kingsman if it was the last thing he did.

At the end of their 24 hours, when Eggsy was asleep in his spare room downstairs, and Harry was sitting up in bed trying to read, he touched the spot where James used to sleep and wondered what it would have been like if things had been different. If he'd... somehow been able to be a real father for Eggsy, to raise him as his son, with James. To have a... a family. It was something he'd never really considered. It was sort of a ridiculous notion when you were a secret agent, he always thought, although some Kingsmen did find ways to make it work. 

It was a pointless thought. Yet he found tears stinging the corners of his eyes.

"James," he said quietly, into the empty air of the room, trying to see if he was there, to call his spirit, he didn't know. And he didn't hear anything, but he did feel a slight chill, and for a moment he thought he felt James's hand touching his face, wiping away the tears. 

Harry wanted to say so many things. He wanted to scream at him how stupid he was, he wanted to hold him and tell him he missed him, he wanted to feel the other man's warmth beside him. Mostly he wanted to tell James that he loved him. He always would, and he would have done anything to have him back again.

When he mumbled it under his breath, feeling utterly embarassed that he was talking to no one, he thought he heard a voice whisper back, or maybe he was just imagining it. (I love you, too).

\----

He knew Eggsy's next test was coming up, and knew he couldn't be there because he was too busy with the mission (the mission, always the mission, he couldn't let himself forget what mattered the most), but he wished the boy luck. He trusted that Eggsy would pull through. He trusted that he would pass the test, as he had all the others, that he didn't have anything to worry about, that he could focus on Valentine, on avenging James and cleaning up that mess.

His head still pounded sometimes, still not completely recovered from the explosion, from the anger and the grief, and he was tired. So tired. 

\----

He hadn't really meant to go off on Eggsy the way he had, but he'd found himself becoming more volatile around others, and more withdrawn as well. He saw the worried looks Merlin gave him sometimes and ignored them. Merlin had tried to console him but Harry would have none of it and eventually Merlin gave up.

The mission was the only thing keeping him going. The only thing keeping him from giving up. If he'd lost Eggsy, if his boy was not to become Lancelot, to take up that name which was so, so important to him, then what did he have? The mission. 

Then nothing.

\---

He knew he was being reckless by sitting with the crowd in the church. He was sure Valentine knew he was there. He thought he'd heard James's voice, telling him not to, as if he knew. But Harry ignored it. He ignored everything but what he knew he had to do, which was reveal Valentine's plans, and let the others handle the rest if he failed. 

\----

As he killed those people in that church, he thought he could hear James shouting to him, calling his name. Or maybe that was just Merlin's voice over the radio. 

\----

When the signal died away and he looked around, he knew it was over. 

When he stepped out of the church, he knew it was pointless to fight. 

But when that gun was pointed at his head, there was still a flash of fear in his eyes.

\----

His head hit the ground, but he didn't feel it. Instead, it was as though warm arms had caught him, stopping him from hitting the pavement, pulling him close. He tried to say that he couldn't go, because Eggsy still needed him, that boy needed his father, but fingers pressed to his lips and he saw James's face, smiling at him.

James leaned down and kissed him. His lips felt warm, and the entire world melted away with that kiss. Harry smiled, and James smiled, too, though there was a sadness in his eyes. And then Harry closed his eyes and let himself slip away. 

**Author's Note:**

> Just think, afterwards Harry and James can haunt Eggsy together, forever.


End file.
